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| Ps Chuck Norris | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 26 2006, 07:52 PM (77 Views) | |
| hootanany | Jan 26 2006, 07:52 PM Post #1 |
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Mikael Forssell
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4 out of 5 doctors agree: They don't wan't to meet Chuck Norris in a dark alley when he is in a bad mood. The fifth doctor has nothing to live for. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children. When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag. There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time. Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets. Chuck Norris likes cherry chewing gum. He spits the used-up red wads to Jupiter, where they've been accumulating. For undercover police work, Chuck pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest. In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris. It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually Email a roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking. Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris" Chuck Norris began advertising for the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic. Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg. Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA. Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. Chuck norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's **bleep** head off. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God." Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ. It was Chuck Norris who killed Col. Mustard, in the Library, with a roundhouse kick to the head. If anyone tells you different, they're a damn liar. Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis. A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move. Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them. Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on. When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting. Chuck Norris can turn normal water into holy water by beating the hell out of it with his fists. Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts. Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states. A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take **bleep** from anybody. Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe. Chuck Norris once shot a spitball, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers. Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **bleep** down. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting **bleep** off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will **bleep** you up. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The **bleep** was That?" Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. |
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2:35 PM Jul 11