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Brilliant Letter
Topic Started: Oct 12 2010, 06:07 PM (169 Views)
treetop
Member Avatar
Alex Govan
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
We all seem to have problems with utilities, banks or other services.

Try this on for size.
I have produced it in large text for obvious reasons.







>
>
> A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank
> manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most
> sincerely.
>
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my
> plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque
> and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
> deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years.. You are to
> be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of
> penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
> rethink my errant financial ways.
>
> I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
> try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your
> bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and
> loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque,
> addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
> an envelope.
>
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
> employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
> your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
> be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
> and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
>
> In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
> dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number
> of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
>
> Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as
> follows:
>
> 1-- To make an appointment to see me.
>
> 2-- To query a missing payment.
>
> 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>
> 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A
> password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
>
> 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
>
> 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold,
> pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
> uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee
> to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
> Year.
>
> Your Humble Client
>
>
>
> Addendum from The Editor:
>
>
>
> IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman.
>
>
> DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!

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Woodbine
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Mikael Forssell
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
I'm surprised at you, Treetop. This is just another of those 'true' emails that silver surfers love to pass around to their internet friends as a way of keeping in touch.

It was actually written as a humour piece by an Australian newspaper columnist in 1999 and has never appeared as a news item in the Times. It's been doing the rounds for many years.

http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/takethat.asp
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treetop
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Alex Govan
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
It was sent to me woody, I'm just passing it on sorry if it's offended you matey. Perhaps I should have put it in the jokes section.
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Blooboy
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haha nice one :D
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Woodbine
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Mikael Forssell
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
treetop
Oct 12 2010, 07:58 PM
It was sent to me woody, I'm just passing it on sorry if it's offended you matey. Perhaps I should have put it in the jokes section.

Hey, Treetop, you haven't offended me mate. Just that it's advisable to run a check on these stories that circulate via email. **thumbup
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ringo182
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Geoff Horsfield
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
ah snopes.

the hours i've wasted on that site in the past.
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