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Good Short 'uns; Twenty Of 'Em
Topic Started: Jun 29 2011, 03:37 AM (340 Views)
PartisanBCFC
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Jack Wiseman
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1. l've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, curry sauce and a jumbo sausage. A poor, cold, homeless man sat there and said "l’ve not eaten for 4 days". I told him "I wish I had your willpower"

2. I've just spent 6 hours in accident and emergency. Turns out, the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I expected.

3. Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, the locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 52. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. A friend has started a new business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. He says prophets are going through the roof.

5. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that…. 2:30am? ! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

6. The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Blimey, talk about Dyson with death.

7. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

8. Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies," Well, we were married for nearly 20 years "

9. Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

10. I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest willy she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg"

11. A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?" "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?" "I mount animals." "It’s alright boys," shouts the barman, “he's one of us.”

12. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse that landed a few feet away.

13. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

14. An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks “Have you ever been bed-ridden?” She says, “Yes I have, and I've been table-ended and back-scuttled a few times too!”

15. Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?


16. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said, “I would like to come back as a cow.” I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

17. Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called ‘caravan utilising nomadic travellers’ or C.*.* *.S. for short.

18. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

19 . I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, “I love you.” She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?” I replied, “It's me talking to the beer.”

20. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.






:whistle: :whistle:


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maulley54
Mikael Forssell
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:applause: :LMAO: some great ones there buddy.
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fatlad
Malcom Page
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:D
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PartisanBCFC
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Jack Wiseman
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Mother superior goes into town with most of her Nuns to do some fund fraising and to buy something nice to brighten up the convent. She leaves behind three nuns to look after the place on what turns out to be a blistering hot day.

The three nuns, cut off from the outside world, and with no Mother superior present decide to remove their robes and go completely naked to keep cool and to sunbathe in the garden.

About a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews the chapel nearby.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door without dressing because they believe the man is blind.

The blind man walks in, looks in the direction of the nuns and says

"Wow ! great t**s! but lets get down to business, where do you want me to install these blinds ?"
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Des
Malcom Page
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keep up the good work parti!

Takes yr mind off the club!!

KRO
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colinblue
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Kenny Burns
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Parti - I often disagree with you about matters BCFC - but this is the funniest collection of short jokes I've seen in a long time - thanks!!
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